We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
