When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Everclear isn't food dammit
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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