did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
