theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
