Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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