Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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