Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
