A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
