Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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