I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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