so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
