i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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