what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
