There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the day after is always just damage control
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
