They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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