I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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