No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I love you. Go after that dick
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
