I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
