Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
