I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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