Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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