There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Someone signed my nipple.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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