he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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