well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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