hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
