my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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