so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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