I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
