oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
