Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I love you. Go after that dick
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