Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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