I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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