Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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