Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
