He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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