I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
