i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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