Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
