Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
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got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
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I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
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