they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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