she woke up with a sticky ear
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
