There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Randomize
