its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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did i walk over a car last night?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
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I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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