remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
