What tipped you off? The sombrero?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
