I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
