Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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