Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
