Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
false alarm. still invincible.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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