You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.