hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We have started to decorate penises.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF