im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
