If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
