There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
