I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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