if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
